BANG! The instruction booklet says our new washing machine would make noises we'd never heard with our old machine. I thought Lee Harvey Oswald was in the house sniping from our living room window. I was expecting different noises but gunshots wasn't one of them. Apparently the self locking lid sounds like that when it locks and in a quiet apartment it sounded worse than it was. The police didn't appear at my door nor did the neighbours come to see what the ruckus was all about so I let the machine continue doing it's thing. Rowf rowf rowf rowf rowf then mmmrh mmmrh mmmrh mmmhr, hugga chugga tweet tweet hugga chugga tweet tweet hugga chugga tweet tweet. This is normal? I was sure there was something wrong with the machine. My wife was at work and she was no help. When I phoned to tell her that our new washing machine had a vocabulary all its own and could do dog and bird imitations she laughed hysterically. Sure, I'm the one here alone with the machine from Hell. What kind of a foreign product did we buy? All we wanted was a washing machine that would wash clothes not frighten the neighbours and set off our burglar alarms.
There were groans like the machine was in ecstasy and then there were heavy sighs in the midst of it all. Wheee ahhhh, wheeee ahhhh, wheeee ahhhh! I waited for the next sound. I didn't have to wait long.
The water discharged out of the tub and down the drain but it sounded differently, too. I ran for the flashlight to peer over the top and shine the light down the back to see if the hose was flooding the floor. No, things were okay there. Then it stopped and the rinse cycle started. Water gushed in and sounded like it was hitting the floor. Back with the flashlight to check out that noise and feel for water under the machine. None, thank God! Then there was a pause before the spin cycle started. "Pilot to co-pilot, start right jet engine!" With a low whine that built to a loud jet spinning turbine sound I expected to see flight attendants in my living room pointing out the exit doors fore and aft. It brought back memories of my first flight on the Transair YS-11 jets out of Thompson. I grabbed the machine, half expecting it to walk itself into our living room with the tremendously fast spinning it was going through but it was solid as a rock. Relief! The neighbours downstairs hadn't banged on their ceiling so either they weren't home or they're deaf.
And then it stopped. The cycles were done. All was quiet until Lee Harvey Oswald showed up again and BANG another shot fired. The lid was unlocked and the light panel went dark. Wow, that only took forty minutes of worry, aggravation, fear and constant checking with my flashlight. The clothes were washed and I was exhausted. Paranoia takes a lot out of a person. It was time for a Scotch! 
I washed a second load of clothes. Oswald had now downsized to a pistol and the dog and the birds had disappeared. The chugga chugga chugga was still there during the wash cycle but definitely not as loud as the very first time. The jet engine still starts up on the spin cycle but it's bearable. This is 2012, I shouldn't complain. It beats using a washboard and big square galvanized wash tubs.
Footnote: My mother taught me how to do laundry when I was at home and I can swing a bottle of bleach with the best of them. When it sounds like the water is draining on the floor or the machine is going to run around the apartment chasing me while it does its jet engine imitations then I worry. So far the machine works well and the noises have downsized to the equivalency of our bread maker. I'm just thankful I don't have to carry any more loads of laundry to Hop Sing's laundry in St. Vital.
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